O.k before I start the brutally honest blog. This isn't to make anyone feel bad. This blog is about something I learned about myself yesterday that I am almost ashamed of, but need to put it out there. I am sure I'm not the only person that struggles with this.
Yesterday was my 30th birthday. I don't know what I had expected, I know that birthdays are just another day, but for some reason I was thinking that THIS one was going to be a very SPECIAL day, that everyone in this World (o.k not the whole world) would celebrate MY 30th birthday. How narcissistic is THAT!! I honestly don't know what I wanted, but I felt WAY too emotional yesterday to understand what was going on with me.
As I reflect on my feelings of yesterday I realize how selfish I can be. I wanted a party, with all my friends, food, cake, cards, all that jazz. However, my birthday was on Thanksgiving and everyone was busy with their families.(which they should be doing) How old am I?? I'm not a child anymore, why did I want this???
I did have my family here for the week-end, they celebrated with me, spoiled me with a basket of groceries (love that) and my sister gave me a wonderful Joyce Meyers book that I'm looking forward to reading. My friends also had us over for lunch and made me a YUMMY chocolate birthday cake. I had over 100 Facebook birthday wishes. But why wasn't that enough??? What is my problem? Why did I want a party so bad? We are trying to teach Mikayla to not be greedy, and here I am struggling with greediness and selfishness too!
I have heard through the grapevine that some of my friends and family think that I like to be the center of attention, maybe that is it? I never thought I was like that, until yesterday. I wanted a silly party to Celebrate Me, that almost makes me sick to my stomach to think that I am like that. Then my question is WHY do I crave attention? I don't want to be like that at all. I just want to live for Jesus', be unselfish, help others, and do God's will. With that being said, "Why do I struggle with selfishness?" I have a dislike for this "weakness" of mine.
Larry knew that something was bothering me yesterday. When he'd ask all I could say was "It must be PMS". (Too much information, I apologize) I didn't want him to feel bad about the way I was feeling. It wasn't his fault, this was something that I had to deal with. He is so great though, because he kept at me, until I confessed what I was struggling with.
It's really funny, because on Sunday Larry preached about "baggage" we all may have. I am biased, but I think it was one of his BEST sermons yet. One of the baggage was "EGO". That we need to bring this to the CROSS, and ask Jesus' to help take this away. He will put it "under that cross". Is this my baggage? Do I think I DESERVE everything?? I have decided that I need to bring my self worth, and my selfishness to the cross, leave it there and walk away.
Do I want a party? Not really, especially now, since I just laid everything out on the table. Messy isn't it? It just saddens me that after knowing what Jesus has done for me, the most UNSELFISH thing a man could do, that I still struggle with ME ME ME.
I am so thankful for my family, for Larry and the kiddo's. Having them with me all day yesterday was such a gift. The best gift in the World! I really did have a wonderful day, a great 30th birthday. A highlight was playing Mario Kart with Bennet. I looked at him and said "You're going down" He looked at me and said "NO I AM NOT" and then he kicked my butt in the race. Hugged me and said "you went down, but I Love you Mommy". What a treasure, what a life that I have. God has blessed me with so much. I am truly thankful and wouldn't want it any other way.
I am learning so much about myself and am thankful that I can sense the "garbage" that goes on within me. I am sharing this today to say. "We can have those selfish moments, but don't let them control who you are"
Party or not- I am loved, I am blessed and am thankful for my life.
Heidi
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