Great Week-end for my God life.. Bad week-end for my body life

Hello World.

It's been a while, therefore you are probably guessing that I haven't been doing so well on this journey. I will get back to this in a moment. I want to share about my week-end and what's on my mind

I went away this week-end to a "youth" conference. It's funny that they are geared towards teenagers, yet I learned soooo much this week-end for myself. I LOVE worship. I feel closet when I'm singing my heart out to God. Some say I have a gift, I say "I just do it for him". I do feel though, that if it is a gift, that I haven't been walking in it for years. I feel that my call to be a mother is my most important "call" at this point. However, if I was completely honest, I struggle with the fact that I'm not taking part in worship the way my mind has a picture of it. I got the privilege of listening and worshiping with a TALENTED, gifted, anointed women of God, "Amanda Falk", WOW God is using her in such amazing ways. Her music is incredible and you can sense the spirit God all around her. I told Larry that I was almost envious, which is a total SIN that I have struggled with my entire life. Not envious of her voice, but envious of the fact that she's doing what I would LOVE to do with my life. Getting travel to sing and bring others into the presence of God. That is a dream of mine. Maybe someday that will be me, but I don't know how to even begin. I would LOVE to make a CD, I would LOVE to write more music. I would love to be asked to sing at conferences and lead others in worship. However, this feeling of "It may be too late" started to seep into my mind. Is that truth or a lie?? I'm not sure. A verse that's going into my mind is "I know the plans I have you for" Therefore I will trust, I will move forward, and see what God has in store. I just know that this desire to do what "Amanda Falk" does, feels impossible when my first call is to be a "MOTHER" of 3 beauties. This is my inner struggle that I've just totally opened myself up to Everyone that is reading this. I will see what will become of my music and my future. God knows and I will have to trust him. I want to make sure that my desire to do this is not of selfishness, but of pure thoughts and mind. I just love God and want my music to inspire others to listen and worship him with everything they've got.

Okay so now that I've shared that. On to my weight journey. It's not been horrible, however after a week-end away of eating out and not really being active. I weighed myself this morning and was horrified that I gained 4lbs. It will come off and I'm not worried about it. Just sad that I haven't been as determined as I was a month ago. Saying this, I am committed to getting back on track. I am committed to getting healthy, so that I may bless my God. I feel like taking care of the body he gave me, is a way to worship and thank him for allowing me on this planet.

I hung out with some teenagers that are absolutely beautiful, yet they don't see it. My heart ached for them. I want to be an example and Love my body, love my outer beauty. However I am having major self confidence issues. I honestly feel attacked by the enemy. When I eat, I feel like others are watching in disgust. How sad is that. I feel sometimes like a hypocrite. Telling my teenagers, that they need to Love themselves inside and out. Yet I can't seem to do it myself. Practicing what you preach is honestly a very HARD thing to do.

I know this post is a little "downer" but this is a great way for me to "release" what's inside. Being a Pastor's wife, I sometimes think I keep a lot inside. Which is sooooo wrong. We are just as human as anyone else. We have our ups and our downs.

I am confident that I'm going to hit my goals. I am confident that I'm going to get healthy. I am confident that God is going to use me in such a "HUGE" way that I can't even imagine. I just want to be a vessel for God's will. I just want to see my friends who don't know Jesus' learn to know him and have relationship with him. Jesus' changed me and I am forever thankful.

I hope that you are all doing well in your walks and journey. Keep going and don't give up. I won't if you won't!

We are heading out this afternoon for a family "hike" and Picnic. I'm looking forward to this "family" time. Thanks for reading my blog. You all inspire me to do better.

Thought of the day "Stop complaining, get off your donkey and do something about it". (that came from my husband.. I just LOVE him)

Be blessed

Heidi